Hey, honey.
Do you suppose you could slam the door a little louder?
Wow. Somebody's stressed out.
Oh, paying the bills.
Your time of the month.
I don't think we can take our family vacation.
Our college funds aren't growing.
We make a good living. Money shouldn't be such an issue.
It's an issue for anyone who wants to send their kids to college.
Even party schools are 30 grand a year these days.
At this rate, Bridget's gonna have to go to a junior party school.
Oh, great, you're here.
Kids, Cate, I've got some disappointing news.
We're gonna have to do some belt tightening,
and I don't think that we can go to the cabin at the lake this year.
I said I don't think we can go to the cabin at the lake this year.
- No, Dad. - It's terrible.
Nuts.
Guys, you're really gonna have to work on your fake disappointment.
Mom, Dad, Bridget and I have an idea on how we can save money around here.
How? By talking less on the phone?
Close. Going to Florida for Spring Break!
How is that close?
If we're in Florida, we can't be here talking on the phone.
Plus, it won't cost you anything.
We can get tickets using frequent flyer miles.
Miles I earned by talking on the phone.
And charging clothes to my credit card.
And Mom's.
You know, girls, even if money wasn't an issue,
Do you really think we would let you go to Florida unsupervised?
But I visualized it!
You're not going. End of discussion!
Easy. You don't have to get all Great Santini on us.
Yeah. Great Santini.
Hey, who's Great Santini?
Man, no lake this year.
This was one of our last shots at a family vacation.
In a couple years the girls will be at college.
No, they won't. We don't have any money.
[groans] Oh, God.
But you know, they just gave me a good idea.
We could all go to Florida and stay for free at my parents' house in Sarasota.
Vacation with your parents?
That's not how I visualized it!
But honey, you need a break.
I know. I'd love us all to be together.
- I don't know. - My parents won't be there.
They're going on a cruise.
Kids, good news. We're going to Florida!
Well, here we are, God's waiting room.
It smells like 1945 in here.
Everyone in this place looks like they host 60 Minutes.
I'm gonna do a recon. Sometimes Grandpa drops money he can't pick up.
Look at all these photos.
There's a great one of you and the kids.
Ted and your sister.
Ooh! Your sister and Ted.
In front of Ted's bank.
It's a shrine to Ted. Not one picture of me.
Well, look. Here's one of all of us.
Honey, that's just my right eye.
Mom couldn't fit everyone in.
It was my birthday. I was blowing out the candles.
It's all right. No hard feelings. I'm here to have a good time.
Ooh, nice picture of Ted, though. With our kids.
There's a chair in the shower. What's that all about?
Kerry, let's go see the pool.
I'll go with you. I'm gonna check out the babes.
My God, which ones are the men?
Cate, when was this photo taken?
Oh. College. Sophomore year.
Oh, right. We don't talk about sophomore year.
When you broke up with me to see other people.
- I changed my mind, didn't I? - A little too late.
Called me up, put the phone to the stereo so I could hear Baby Come Back.
- I was in pain. - Good. A taste of your own medicine.
Look, you want to talk...
This is why we don't talk about sophomore year.
I know. It's ridiculous. We're on vacation.
We're gonna have a good time. The kids are gone.
Your parents aren't here. What do you say we relive junior year?
Oh, yeah, Maneater.
- Look out, here I come. - [phone rings]
Hang on.
Hello.
Uh, no, they're on a cruise.
Yeah, this is their son-in-law.
No, not the banker. The other son-in-law.
Yes, they do.
Yes, they do!
Hey, Magnum.
Where's T. C?
[false laughter]
I'm just gonna sit on the veranda and read a book.
What have they got here?
Life Begins at 50.
Life Begins at 60.
Life Begins at 70 and...
...Cryogenics.
- Kerry and I are going to the beach. - OK.
But I expect you girls to carry yourselves like Hennessy women.
If I find out that you were anywhere near a party,
I'm gonna make you take long walks with your father while he wears that shirt.
And I have matching shorts.
Eew. Kerry, come on. We're missing the peak tanning hours.
I'm ready.
For what, beekeeping?
Do not tease your sister. She has fair skin.
All right, go on. Have fun, Bridget.
And you too, Casper.
- I'm off to the beach with Jake. - Who's Jake?
- A friend I made at the pool. - Wait a second, Rory.
- We don't know this Jake. - We should meet his parents first.
OK.
Jake, my folks would like to meet your parents.
Got a Ouija board?
That's Jake. You're Jake?
Yes, sir, Jake Fisher, apartment 14-H.
You've got a nice polite boy here.
So, can I go? Jake's gonna teach me about the ocean.
He was in the Pacific during World War II.
Iwo Jima. Ring any bells?
Oh, well, I guess it's OK.
How can we say no to a member of the Greatest Generation?
You're very kind. And I must say, it's a pleasure to finally meet you.
I've heard so much about Paul, the hugely successful son-in-law.
- See? - You've read my column?
Column? I thought you were a banker.
Can you believe that, all those college kids drinking
and blocking traffic?
Paul, were you driving with your arm out the window?
Yeah, why?
Oh, my God. It was only for ten minutes.
Hey, Mom, Dad.
Did you dip your arm in paint?
- How was hanging out with Jake? - Great.
Being old is cool. You get to yell at people, park anywhere,
take your teeth out.
I can't wait.
I'm two different colors. I look like one of Garth Brooks' shirts.
I'm Cameron Hughes in downtown Sarasota,
where I'm surrounded by the annual horde of spring breakers.
Cate, take a look at this.
It's pandemonium here.
This was the scene an hour ago, when we first arrived at Beach Balls,
a popular local bar.
The styles may have changed but the behavior has not.
- How do local residents feel? - Do you see that girl?
Oh, yeah. Talk about "news flash."
Rory!
She can't even be out of high school. She's about the same age as...
As a matter of fact, she looks like...
...a lot like... - [both] Bridget!
[groans]
You don't think that's me, do you?
- Of course not. - No.
- That is you! - Definitely.
- That is not me. - Yeah.
That girl has a tattoo. Bridget doesn't have a tattoo... that you know of.
Yeah. All right. Yeah, you're right.
- Sorry. - Sorry isn't good enough.
I'm hurt. How could you think that we could blatantly disobey your orders?
What do we have to do to earn your trust?
Start by blocking the TV.
[woman] For one month our peaceful beach community is taken over
by unruly college students who party literally around the clock.
- Bridget! - It's a funny story, actually.
We were on the beach, minding our own business
when this guy came over and asked us to change a light bulb.
So we went over to his bar and I got up on his shoulders,
- then this news crew came in and... - Please stop.
So much for my family vacation. I don't even know who my daughters are.
[woman] As you can see by this archive footage,
college students have been going wild in Sarasota for decades.
Girls, you can just kiss Spring Break goodbye.
You are grounded. I have never been more disappointed.
Look at that girl. Awesome.
That's not awesome, that's...
- [both] Mom?! - [groans]
That's what you meant by carrying yourself like a Hennessy woman?
You were going to town on that beer, Mom.
That was a long time ago.
And that makes it OK? You are such a hypocrite.
Plus you say one thing and do something else.
Oh, my God, you're a...
- I know you're upset. - A Bridget!
- Beekeeper! - Cate!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Look, it was a long time ago. I was in college.
I mean, you were really chugging it.
Kids, that's enough. I want you all to clean up for dinner.
- You can show your mother some respect. - Thank you, Paul.
More respect than she shows herself.
- Oh, don't you start with me. - Hang on a second.
College? We were dating when you were in college.
- Yeah, well, not during... - Sophomore year.
I thought you stayed in and cried the entire time.
Oh, come on. Who really does that?
I did.
Well, you grieved your way and I grieved mine.
All these years your family led me to believe that I destroyed you
and you were holed up suffering for a month.
I was. They didn't film that part.
Paul, what am I gonna tell the girls?
Paul?
So while I was in my room listening to The Best of Bread,
staring at that photo of us at the medieval fair,
you were out doing God knows what.
I think we have bigger fish to fry.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I should be counting my blessings that you didn't meet someone.
Oh, my God.
- Did you love him? - It was one date.
My mom fixed me up. He was a total nerd.
Nothing happened.
- I mean, his name was Byron. - Byron?
So, did you love him?
Can we focus on what's important here?
I have become an excuse for the girls to behave badly.
How am I supposed to discipline them without sounding hypocritical?
So, where did Byron take you?
Girls, good. I wanted to talk to you about what happened yesterday.
Can it wait? We're going swimming with our tops on.
Well, maybe.
Girls. Girls!
Paul, did you see the way they just treated me?
Wow. It's almost as if you exposed your breasts on TV
and then tried to preach morality.
That milk was here before we arrived.
I know. I like it chunky.
[knocking]
- Sir, does he belong to you? - Rory. Officer, what happened?
We had a report of water balloons being thrown at young women wearing t-shirts.
Rory Joseph Hennessy!
Actually, he was filling them up for this guy.
- You? - I was having flashbacks.
You'd think a World War II veteran would conduct himself with more dignity.
Jake, not the World War II story again?
Why won't you ever believe me? I was on the beaches at Normandy,
me and Tom Hanks.
Why, just thinking about it, I...
I better sit down. Where's your shower?
I think you better leave.
If it wasn't for me, you'd have said that in German.
Go to your room. Jake's been a bad influence on you.
Dagnabbit!
Jake's harmless. I've known him for years.
- Are you OK, sir? - It's just that I'm in the middle
of the worst vacation ever.
I came down here because I wanted one last hurrah as head of a happy family.
And what did I get? Kicked in the teeth, pal.
- Kicked in the teeth. - I meant your arm.
Paul, did you see where I put my hat?
Cate, is that you?
Byron?
- Yeah. - Byron?!
I hate Florida.
- It is you. - [chuckles nervously]
Wow. Byron, you really look different.
Really? Maybe I lost a little muscle mass,
but you can't be a bodybuilder forever.
Boy, don't I know that. I tell you.
I've got a shoulder injury. How much did you bench?
[woman] Seven-Adam-12, we have a 9-2-2 in progress on Ocean.
Please respond.
Copy that.
We have an elderly woman driving with her blinker on.
I'm gonna have to go.
Cate, it was really good seeing you again.
- The nerd? - He used to wear glasses.
Did you check out that policeman?
Attention all cars, there's a hottie in progress.
Hallelujah.
All right. Hands where I can see them.
[all] Byron!
Sandy, how about a beer?
- Oh, hi. - Oh, hey!
- Byron. - Yeah. Yeah.
How funny that I went on a date with your wife?
Hilarious.
Ooh, I guess that sort of adds to the bad day you were having.
A little. It's not you.
It's just, you live with somebody 20 years.
Do you really know them?
I don't know, maybe Cate wishes she married someone more fun, successful,
- better-looking... - Thanks.
- I meant in general. - Come on, what's wrong with you?
- We went on one date. - How did it go?
- There was definitely chemistry. - Chemistry.
She wore this miniskirt.
Whoo!
And after "Whoo!"?
Well, we had a nice dinner and some drinks.
Then that song, Baby Come Back, starts playing on the jukebox,
and she starts crying.
She starts talking about this boyfriend she has in Michigan.
How cute he was, how much she missed him and uhh!
Cute? Not handsome or rugged? But I interrupted.
- You go ahead. - That's it. End of story.
- Took her home, called it a night. - Never saw her again?
- I saw her a couple nights later. - Terrific. Second date.
No. I had to arrest her in a bar for flashing.
- So, it was strictly professional. - Oh, yeah.
I can't say that I'm sorry your date turned out bad.
I'll tell you about a bad date.
December 7, 1941.
Me and Ben Affleck, fighting side by side.
As luck would have it, over the same girls.
What are you watching?
Murder, She Wrote.
Jake would have wanted it that way.
Look, Rory, I know you enjoy hanging out with Jake.
But your father and I just want you to spend some time
with someone a little more mature.
Come on, cheer up.
- Have some hard candy. - Hard candy!
Girls, come in here.
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd be at Senor Swanky's for two-for-one tequila slammers.
All right. Sit.
I think it's time we had a little talk.
OK, look. It's true.
When I was a young woman there were a few moments
where my behavior could have been described as "spirited."
"Spirited?" You flashed a news camera.
Fine. I was a little wild.
You're our mother.
But my behavior, no matter how immature,
does not give you a free pass to behave badly.
Yes, it does.
Look, you guys, I did some stupid things that I regret.
Maybe you could just learn from my regrets.
Or we could do them and learn from our own regrets.
Does it really look like I'm having a good time on that video?
- Yeah! - Yeah!
OK.
I'm gonna start over.
Do as I say, not as I do, or you'll never see daylight again. You got it?
- Got it. - Got it.
- But why did you act like that? - I don't know.
Back then I was confused.
Maybe unhappy.
You know, when your father and I broke up for that year...
And if you ever tell him this, so help me God...
...I was crushed.
And I was not gonna let any man think he had the upper hand.
So you showed your breasts in public!
Basically.
I wasn't being honest with myself.
I'd changed. I wasn't that party girl anymore.
And it was right about that time that I realized I missed your father.
- That I was in love with him. - Barf.
In fact, it came to me that night I went out with the cop.
You went out with Officer Biceps?
And you're our mother!
Just think, if you'd married him, I'd be even hotter!
Yeah, that's how genetics works.
Oh, hey, everyone.
- You have the talk with the girls? - Yeah.
- I think I got through to them. - Good.
Girls, your father and I need a moment.
Don't mind us.
We're gonna talk about mushy marriage stuff.
- I may kiss him. - OK. goodbye.
Paul, honey, I'm really sorry that this vacation wasn't all you hoped for.
You know, I went for a walk and it came to me.
This was the best vacation ever.
I'm in Florida with my whole family and best of all,
I get the girl in the end.
You went to a bar.
One. I had one.
I love you, Cate.
I love you, Byron.
- Did you just say that? - You know me, I'm a wild girl!
Andy Rooney, you are right again.
[channel changes]
- Hey, I was here first. - Tough luck, gramps.
[woman] We're back here at Beach Balls where the party rages on.
And, as you can see, Spring Break isn't just for college kids anymore.
- Mom? - Dad?
[groaning]